Clearing Out The Gunk In My Life

Hello. My name is John. And I am one messed up guy.

About 2 weeks ago, I had a lot of voices in my head. Or, at least, it felt like I did. I don’t claim to be the smartest guy in the world. I’m not a handy man. I’m not tech savvy. What I have learned in life came through sheer perseverance and dumb luck. But, in reference to the voices in my head, what I was hearing was that it’s me that is causing so much decline in business, it’s me who is scaring the fellow co-workers, it’s me that continues to sabotage my life, it’s me who will never be a good enough friend, brother, co-worker, husband. It’s me that will always get in the way of being joyful and happy in my life.

All these voices, I know, are wrong. There is only One Voice I need to listen to.

After speaking with the owner of the business, it was decided for me to take a couple of weeks off, try and regroup and see what happens.

There’s a lot here I could talk about but there is much that is better left at the store and not out in a public forum.

For the type of work I do which is small business retail customer service, it has gotten to a point where every time I hear the door open at the store, it’s like a trigger. I have responsibilities to do and it’s hard to keep up with them because of the amount of people that come in and out of the store every day. Which then causes my brain to go 1000 mph and I’m not able to stop and process. I am discovering that I am a little like the John McClane character in the Die Hard movies. And Old School guy that’s struggling to cope and connect with the ever-changing world.

Yippee Ki Ay.

During this hiatus, I’ve taken time out for me. My car needed something done to it. Our condominium has had some water issues. Those water issues turned out to be something that I could actually fix on my own, without the aid of a plumber. Our shower head had a bad buildup of calcium that was preventing the water from coming out with any kind of real pressure. I had two suggestions given to me. Either soak the shower head in vinegar or get a calcium/lime/rust removal solution for it to soak in. I had the vinegar here, so I put it in a container of vinegar and let it soak overnight. I then got some of the CLR solution and then let it soak in it another night. I put the shower head back together and connected it back on the shower and gave it a shot. I couldn’t remember a time when that shower had such a strong stream of water coming from it.

I then took to our deck outside. We never use the deck, but I went out and realized that I wanted to clean up the doors and outside light. I could use a pressure washer for the siding out there because that is also filthy but the doors I could handle.

If you have read my posts on here, you can tell that I have carried a lot of gunk in my life. Whether it’s bad decisions as a teenager, failed marriage, amongst others, it’s gunk that has weighed me down and maybe interfered with how I process things in my everyday life. All I want, all I ask for is that I just want to understand why I am the way I am. What is it that causes me to act the way I do? And that is an answer I won’t know until I am dead and gone.

I am under the thought that I am dealing with some form of anxiety or PTSD. Perhaps I have something neurological going on that medication could help with? I don’t know. All I know is, I just want to know what is best for me and I how I can live my life and still be a light to the world in a workplace where I can shine that light and not feel the weight of the world crashing upon me.

I’ve reached out to a counseling organization as of this morning.

Step One.

Let’s see what the next step is.

To be continued…..